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~ 7.15.08 ~

Miley Cyrus wet t-shirtMiley Cyrus is wet… and so is her t-shirt

So by now you’ve probably heard about the nyc makeup artist. Admit it. You’ve looked. Search statistics don’t lie.

Sure, you looked. But we bet you were disappointed too. Not only is she a big FAIL when it comes to music, but Miley Cyrus can’t even get wet t-shirt pictures right.

So here’s a lesson for Miley: if you want to move beyond hack stage, please understand that no one cares about seeing a wet t-shirt arm. That’s a fact. Take it from the pros.

And for everyone else out there who might see Miley Cyrus as a role model. Please do not ruin the art of the wet t-shirt by following Miley’s example. You need to do it right. We wouldn’t want to see a whole generation of girls get this fine art all screwed up.

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Charlton Heston Dies
Gun Pried From Cold, Dead Hands

~ 4.7.08 ~

Charlton Heston Dead at 84Peter: “Charlton, Moses. Moses, Charlton.”

Screen legend and NRA advocate Charlton Heston passed away on Saturday at his Beverly Hills home at the age of 84. He starred in numerous films over the life of his career, including roles as Moses in The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur in Ben Hur, and “Good Actor” in Wayne’s World 2. He is survived by a son, a daughter and three grandchildren.

You know, it doesn’t really matter that Heston turned into a gun-crazy kook in his later years, because he was a bad ass. I poured one out for you the other night, homie, tru dat. But I’m gonna go ahead and keep this gat, since you won’t be bustin’ no caps in no ass no mo’.

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atvs for sale chicago

~ 3.31.08 ~

Heather Mills with her artificial legsHeather Mills… She’s got legs!

Now that Heather Mills has fleeced Paul McCartney, we need to all apologize to Yoko. But then again, John would never have been stupid enough to hook-up with a one-legged soft porn star.

Since scoring $50 million in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul, Heather has been in New York looking to live large. The New York Post has the details:

Mills was spotted looking at condos and, later, partying it up with three girlfriends at Pastis…She looked like a full-on tart. She had on a tight bustier, really tight pants and four-inch-high boots. She looked ready for anything.

Look, pretty much everyone had this chick pegged as a gold digger from the start, so this is no surprise. What I want to know is how you walk around on a fake leg with four-inch-high boots.

Seriously, I’m stumped.

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medical spa nyc

~ 3.27.08 ~

Angelina Jolie with her kidsAngelina Jolie will cash in with her uterus.

Would you pay $10 million for a picture of Angelina Jolie’s twins? And no fellas, I don’t mean her tits.

According to National Enquirer editor Barry Levine, pictures of Angelina’s twin babies may command almost $10 million. This is better incentive to squeeze out kids than welfare any ol’ day. The New York Post sign companies nyc the obvious:

One magazine editor who asked to remain anonymous said, “It’s at the point now where some stars might decide to have more kids just to collect the money from their photos.”

“It’s become big business now,” Levine said. “It’s outrageous, they’ve gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it’s impossible to obtain a photo illegally.”

Man, I wouldn’t pay $10 million to own those two kids. I mean, what kind of resale value can you get on babies anyway? It’s like driving a car off the lot, right? The older they get, the more money you lose.

Although I have considered adopting this cute 17-year-old Thai girl. It’s a tragic story, really.

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nyc makeup artist

~ 2.16.08 ~

Bai Ling mugshotBai Ling mugshot FTW!

Actress, publicity whore, and downright nasty bitch Bai Ling got herself hauled away at LAX for stealing gossip rags and batteries. No, seriously, bitch stole $16 worth of gossip rags and batteries. What the fug is up with her?

  1. She hasn’t heard of the Internet and wanted to see if she got mentioned in any current tabloids, and…
  2. Her vibrator was dead.

I wish they would just deport the slut so we can all stop talking about her. Someone remind me what she’s famous for?

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Katherine Heigl Graces the Cover of Cosmo

~ 2.16.08 ~

Katherine Heigl Cosmo coverKatherine Heigl does the cover of Cosmopolitan.

Kiddies, now is a good time to tell you that I’d rather eat my left nut than give props to people. It’s just not in my nature to be kind; I much prefer to be the catty, picky bitch that I am. But right now, I have to give props to someone I have grown to love.

I have recently discovered Grey’s Anatomy. Yes, it was on DVD, and I had just come home from a lovely southern debutante ball and was drunk off my privileged ass. I thought, well, I will watch those stories Jenny left at my place (Jenny’s my hag). And so I discovered Izzie, Grey’s hottie, better known as Katherine Heigl. I was drawn to her like biscuits to butter. Those golden locks, that pretty pout.

And then she was in Knocked Up—LOVED IT. The last time I got knocked up, I had to get the big A, and my man wouldn’t even pay for it.

Ok, back to Izzie… In 27 Dresses, she dazzled in a part that was pretty blah. If it weren’t for her beauty and poise, I would have left after the first 20 minutes. Katherine, you’re a diva, and I just wanted you to know from one diva to another, anytime you wanna lunch, let me know. You are a goddess, and even though you married a wannabe musician, I forgive you. Perhaps he has a large peen—I pray for your vag’s sake he does.


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Britney’s Going Broke

~ 2.15.08 ~

Britney Spears' terrible hairBritney Spears has got some serious hair issues.

Britney Spears is getting audited.

According to a spokesman, the IRS is only trying to make sure Britney has not been a victim of theft. Last year, Britney had an estimated fortune of $190 million, but that number shrank by nearly $60 million in 2007. As a result, people are speculating that someone in Brit’s camp (can we say Sam Lufti??) might be licking icing off of her crazy cake.

Sources tell us Brit spent over $1 million on vacations alone last year. Be that as it may, it still leaves $59 million to explain, so where did it all go? I mean, we all know she went to rehab. And I’m sure In and Out Burger got their share as well—probably even Rite Aid and Walgreens, too! After all, I know those pregnancy tests aren’t cheap.

Well, let me tell you a few things Brit did not spend her money on that she very well should have:

  1. a stylist — bitch looks like hell all the time
  2. panties — girl, cover that skanky hoohah… Nobody needs to see your C scars, ever! Lord Jesus!
  3. proper legal counsel — because straightening your shit up actually requires real lawyers
  4. chauffeur — perfect for people who really, really can’t drive
  5. sterilization — because the world can’t handle any more of your effed up DNA

Kisses, babe, you know Phillacia loves you always, even though you’re not worthy.


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Paris Hilton’s New Film a Nottie with Moviegoers

~ 2.15.08 ~

Paris Hilton in The Hottie and the NottieParis Hilton keeps on suckin’ in ‘08.

In other recent news, Paris Hilton’s new flick, the “The Hottie or the Nottie,” was a box office disaster, raking in a mere 27 thousand dollars.


Is anyone surprised by this? The girl has as much acting ability as my blind/mute auntie, Cocoa. No, that’s cruel to place my auntie on such low level… Let’s just say this—the flat-chested ho needs to keep on making her stank perfume, cause acting won’t keep her in the lifestyle she’s accustomed to!


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